Conversation at annual picnic of a small community service group heard expressions of ‘good to see you’ and ‘how are you doing’, which, in at least one case led to sharing a deeper personal story.
In recent years, upon meeting acquaintances I hadn’t seen for a while, I have finally erased the habit of saying ‘how are you?’. Instead, I have been saying ‘it’s good to see you’. With the latter greeting, no matter what their circumstances, people seem to respond warmly: ‘Good to see you, too’.
Saying ‘good to see you’ fits better with the famous quote, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” If you haven’t been updated on the person’s current welfare, asking ‘how are you’ can sometimes become embarrassing or awkward, even though it was intended sincerely with kindness.
I had always believed the conventional understanding that the ‘be kind’ quote originated with Plato or Socrates. It certainly sounds like something they would have said. A bit of research turned up the name of Rev. John Watson as the source.
A late 19th Century Scottish theologian and author, he wrote under the name of Ian Maclaren. His original wording is said to be, “Be pitiful, for every man is fighting a hard battle.” Revising that to say ‘kind’ is a good improvement.
Being a theologian, Watson’s words certainly must have been inspired by Jesus. The Gospel of John includes several passages where Jesus commands his followers to ‘love one another’. In his first letter to the Thessalonians, Paul writes ‘you yourselves have been taught by God to love one another’. And they mean everyone, not just people like oneself.
Watson-Maclaren’s books are available online at Project Gutenberg. Scroll down the page to Maclaren, Ian, 1850-1907, and 19 of his books. One of his most popular books (sold about 700,000 copies), Beside the Bonnie Brier Bush, is a collection of short stories “set in the rural Scottish parish of Drumtochty, where it explores the lives and struggles of its inhabitants through the lens of community, education, and personal growth.”
‘Tis the season
Out shopping for a Christmas tree recently I encountered the garden center proprietor, a good acquaintance whom I hadn’t seen since the previous year. We have very different personalities, I am a quiet introvert, he is a gregarious extrovert. Our greetings of ‘good to see you’ were genuine and seasoned with affection.
Even if someone hasn’t experienced some obvious misfortune, asking ‘how are you’ may leave them feeling awkward. How am I? I don’t know. What should I say? The usual response is ‘Fine. How are you?’ That puts you on the spot. Both responses seem trite and shallow. If there is a tale of woe in the background, and someone cares to share it, you have the opportunity to listen and help them share the burden with someone who seems to care.
One past encounter might have gone in that direction had I said ‘good to see you’ instead of the other. Attending a business conference, I met an old professor from my college days. Still in awe of his academic prowess, I blubbered something along the lines of ‘how are you?’ He looked at me with a blank expression that caused me to wither.
In my defense, I did not know at the time that he just had been diagnosed with terminal cancer. He graciously said ‘fine’ and moved along. I felt like an idiot. Had I said, ‘good to see you,’ he likely would have said the same. He seemed to show a searching look as if trying to decide if I cared or could be trusted with the whole story.
Two other encounters where that happened included both ‘how are you?’ and ‘good to see you’. They ended with expressions of hope and prayer. At a local 5k run, one of my running ‘friends’ from another city showed up, although not wearing race gear. Only later did I fully realize that he drove 70 miles early in the morning to see his old running friends as a way of saying goodbye. I don’t recall how our conversation began; it ended with him sharing the news that he recently had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.
A similar encounter occurred out on a ski trail meeting a friend and his wife, who shared similar news about her husband’s fate. In both cases the stunning news left me almost speechless. I may have said ‘it’s good to see you’. I recall trying to say something sincere and meaningful, that I would pray for them. Both times it felt awkward, yet they seemed grateful.
A dash of dissonance
I confess to saying ‘good to see you’ a few times when my affection for the person is compromised by something from past experience, or a distinct personality difference. Even if you have to force the greeting, it’s still worth doing. If a little cognitive dissonance kicks in, it just might nudge your feelings in a positive direction.
The conventional psychology and behavioral pattern – cognitive-affective-conative (think-feel-act) – falls short when negative feelings get in the way of doing the right thing. Alter that sequence to begin with conative-act, saying ‘nice to see you’, and it can sometimes lead to improving, if not your feelings, at least relationships with people you don’t ‘like’.
This lesson in found in the well-known book, Mere Christianity, by C.S. Lewis. I read the book long ago and recall the feeling of affirmation for a practical, sincere, and meaningful set of beliefs. For any further assessment here, I must yield to the ChatGPT note:
“Lewis wrote that Christian love for others is not primarily a feeling, but a steady choice of the will. He argued that you do not wait to feel affection before acting with charity. Instead, you treat others with kindness and justice, and the feelings often follow. He stressed that love in this sense means seeking the good of the other, even when you dislike their behavior. By practicing this disciplined goodwill, he believed people are gradually transformed, learning to see others as God sees them.”
This holiday season, out in public encountering people from all religious and political beliefs, all races and cultures, all conditions of wealth or poverty, saying ‘good to see you’ will be welcomed. It can lead to ‘how are you’ and generate trust that helps build bridges connecting all humankind.
That may seem hopeless in these times of intense political, religious and cultural division and disarray, but as individuals trying to make things right, it’s one of the few things we have left. Collectively, citizens must generate the power to propel our political leaders to go beyond saying ‘it’s good to see you’, and ask, ‘how are you doing?’
